Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Rose-Colored Contacts

I scratched my cornea a couple months back and this was an issue for me.  I couldn't wear contacts for a couple weeks and was restricted to wearing glasses only.  Understand that I hate wearing my glasses - since I was "that little kid in glasses" everyone felt sorry for when I was small, wearing them now holds a negative connotation for me.  I still feel awkward and ugly in them present day, despite the fact that numerous people have told me that I look good in them; sexy even (thank you, Emi and Laura.)  It's a complex.

In the last couple weeks, my eyes have gone awry again.  I have been to the eye doctor three times in these weeks and every time they have given me strict orders not to wear contacts.  With my sisters' wedding right around the corner, big work visits from corporate executives, an extensive travel schedule, a new hair color I am still getting used to, and my overall feeling of unattractiveness underneath this restriction from my eye doctor...it's been rough.

Minimize it all you want, but when I went to the doctor this morning and he cleared me to start wearing contacts again - I was overjoyed.  I think I told him I loved him, I'm not sure.  Crazy?  Ridiculous?  Probably.  But let me tell you that I left that office feeling better than I have in six weeks.  One piece of good news spurred me to think about other good things in my life right now.  Little things like coffee with Jill this morning.  Breakfast with Kyle yesterday.  An overdue counseling appointment this afternoon.  My plans to go tubing down the river with Emi Friday.  Sometimes the little things make all the difference in the world.

Life can be hard.  Life can be extremely painful.  My heart has been so heavy lately that the slightest encouraging thing can make me smile.  Maybe this is good.  Maybe I can learn to appreciate the little things in this.  Maybe I need to spend more time meditating on the things I have to be thankful for versus the latter - for there is, indeed, much to be thankful for.  I spend a lot of time looking deep inside my heart and trying to ensure I am operating out of a healthy perspective, and I believe this is the right thing to do.  But it is very emotionally exhausting.  I told Jill this morning that if I were sexually active right now I would think I was pregnant.  I'm so tired all the time.  She said it's ok; that I'm doing the right thing by giving the painful attention to my heart and all that lies within.  The payoff will be life changing.  She is right.  It will be.

I have never been the girl able to look at my world through rose-colored glasses.  I've seen and experienced too much to do this from an honest place.  But perhaps, for today - even if only for a few hours - I could get behind looking at my world through rose-colored contacts.

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