Wednesday, October 26, 2011

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

As I sit here at a picnic table sipping coffee on a brisk October morning, I am once again reminded of the reality that there is no such thing as hiding.   Running, yes; this is something I am good at.  The difference between the two is significant.

Almost six years ago now, I ran away to Southern California to escape.  I did not want to sit with myself; I saw it as impossible at the time.  I was overcome with pain and guilt and wanted to forget and start over.  On the outside looking in, this is exactly what it seemed I did.  I got a new job, new friends, and a new environment.  I ran and ran without looking back for months.  Eventually, though, I was forced to stop sprinting and take more than a few ragged breaths before I made the decision to sit down and rest.  It hurt a lot, this resting.  But it stands as one of the best decisions I have ever made.  I moved back to Portland different; not perfect and happy, but quiet and vulnerable.  I was open to looking at myself with new eyes; eyes that saw myself for who I really was.  What I saw was a woman who had very much taken solace in playing the victim and refused to accept responsibility for the part I had played in my broken relationships.  I saw very clearly that I had a choice.  I could continue to run and watch my future relationships suffer as a result of my refusal to search for the truth in myself and others, or I could sit, rest and open myself to the possibility that I had serious things to work through...things that had haunted me my entire life.  Things I owned.  Parts I played.  The latter is what I chose.

I am dating someone who is different than anyone else I have ever dated.  In my decision to sit and rest and look at the truth, I have become very self aware.  Over time, it became very important to me to invest and be a part of a romantic relationship where he, too, saw the importance of rest and truth-seeking.  Someone who was aware of his own self; both the negative and the positive and had the same passion for self-growth that I had become so focused on in my own life.  I was very skeptical a man like this existed - at least a man in his thirties that was single and available to the possibility of a romantic relationship.  This man found me a month ago.  He is intentional and honest and isn't afraid.  He knows what he wants and is deserving of.  He isn't afraid of what I bring to the table and wants to talk through everything.  I very much believe he isn't going anywhere, in spite of me being absolutely terrified.

In our commitment to being honest with each other, I have once again been forced to look at the ways I have begun to jog again.  It is so engrained in me to push people away when they get too close that I don't even recognize I am doing this unless I am called out.  He does this.  He isn't satisfied with excuses and wants to deal with issues head on.  He requires it.  I cannot hide at the end of my run; the same issues will find me as they have found me time and time again.  My friend, Shannon, has a blog where I had commented on something she had written, "Sitting with hard, so important."  I need to put my money where my mouth is.  If I truly believe people can change, this applies to me as well.  The unhealthy race I have always loved to be a part of has no finish line.

1 comment:

  1. I'm excited about this Jamie. He sounds oddly like the future man you wrote about in a previous post. Interesting how that happens isn't it?

    He is a lucky man and I can't wait to hear more :)