I used to be passionate about writing. I think I used to be good at it. I don't remember...
I am embarking on a journey, one that is painful and difficult. In this journey, it is essential that 2011 be about the elements of healing and rediscovery. I lost a part of myself in 2010 and have been reeling and grasping at straws ever since. I don't have answers yet, just glimpses of what could be. Glimpses, at this point, are positive.
In the last two weeks I have remembered pieces of who I used to be, thanks to my three best girlfriends and even some new friends. This Jamie of the past was passionate above all else. Many saw her as "over the top" expressive. She was complicated. She felt alone much of the time, even when surrounded by people. She lived inside her head. She was always looking for ways to improve herself; ways to heal. She loved to read, write and invest in people on a level that was unique and special. She loved to play all sports and loved the Seahawks. She loved fashion and traveling and most of all her dog and best friend, Margot.
I made the decision to put Margot to sleep in 2010 due to a tragic injury and cannot remember my life for the three months following. My friends say I was a ghost, and I believe this to be true. I still FEEL like a ghost most of the time. After she died, I couldn't feel anything. I didn't care about anything. I went through the motions of work and day to day life, not caring if I lived or died. I was closely monitored by those that loved me. I became a different person, radically different from the woman who existed before...
I stand now faced with questions about who I am and who I want to be. Who USED to be no longer matters, the way I see it. I am a different person now and I am finally OK with that. I desire to be honest with those around me, but more importantly honest with myself. Authenticity of self and the ability to communicate that truth with people and be accepted at the end are of utmost importance to me...so much so that I have cut off contact with anyone who does not appear to have this same desire.
I know little right now, but of the following things I am sure: I love Jesus and desire to be in close relationship with Him again (He has shown me in the last year that He is still interested in me as well.) I have an excellent support system of people who love me unconditionally (no matter who lies on the other side). I love to write (this brought to light by a new friend in addition to a guy I briefly dated).
Passions have been wakened and I hope and pray this means a process of some sort has begun...my future depends on it.